Typically, when I sit in this particular coffee shop (a local shop owned by a friend), I am cold. Perhaps it is because I usually arrive early with the night air still permeating my body and sit against one of the giant windows that face the west, away from the morning sun. But today I arrived later and the chatter of other customers surrounds me, flitting from one corner of this large room to the other. Today I am sitting away from the windows, though the south-facing windows nearest to me are flooded with the strangely warm November sun. Though I cannot see the street, as I gaze out the window I can see the reflections of windshields cruising by briefly interrupting my watch of the fading willow trees.
An advertisement for Sarah Palin’s book grabs my attention on the Toshiba flat-screen TV up in the corner and then it is gone, quicker than 30 seconds seems to be. I am contemplating my level of influence this morning, trying to understand how much influence I indeed have and what I can do to grow it.
Sometimes the things of church seem so business-like, even something so ostensibly prosperous as contemplating influence levels are easily trumped by advancement for advancement’s sake. “Advancing the Kingdom,” quickly becomes a political agenda and I hastily determine that I am not sure I care too much about my influence level.
It is a shame that in my humanness something that could be good (such as growing influence) so easily turns into something bad. I hate it. And I want to change it.
And in a moment my heart turns, as I see two friends come in and sit down. Relationship is clearly where it is at; I want to be more intimate. My friends with big goatees and scruffy beards are far more important than understanding my level of influence – and then it is right back to it. Growing my relationships is growing influence.
And there it is – the problem (at least temporarily) solved.
HEBREWS 3
Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest. He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house (v. 1, 2).
OBSERVATION
Jesus proved himself worthy, just as Moses did. Moses is one of the most important people in the Old Testament because of his faithfulness. As did Jesus – therefore we, those who have accepted his salvation should focus on Christ. He is indeed our apostle (our messenger and representative) as well as our high priest (one who atones for our sin). He is worthy of my attention.
RESPONSE
Yet all kinds of things steal my attention – sports, games, celebrities, music,…and the list can go on. But I know that I can captivate my thoughts (2 Corinthians 10.5). The divine power of the SPirit can be let loose to work in my life. And I can be more responsible for my decisions – less time engaging in frivolous activity and more time engaging the words of Christ and the truth, which are one and the same.
PURSUIT
Continue your good work in me Jesus. By your Spirit, unleash a greater desire to worship you and fix my thoughts on you. Grant me your wisdom and grace – wisdom for better choices and grace for my mistakes. I want to be all for you.
A constant chill sweeps through Starbucks, starting up my hands and corralling my entire being, as if it were begging me to buy a refill of my tall single Americano. I spent two cycles at the air drying machine in the bathroom trying to work some warmth back into my body after futilely using the never warming water in the sink to wash my hands. It is as if the cold is prodding me forward, as I have accomplished more this morning and feel better about where I am at in life than I have ever been. Rather than a refill, I have found my purpose renewed.
I wish I wasn’t so moody; but my best friend put it rightly when he bought me Ben Harper’s two-disc album, “Both Sides of the Gun.” One disc was a little more rockin’ while the other was more acoustic. He said, “I know how you’re a mood music listener. And it is true: when depressed I reach for Damien Rice rather than David Gray. Ray Lamontagne instead of David Crowder.
This morning I am listening to Robbie Seay Band’s “Give Yourself Away.” It is refreshing, better than the chill I feel, and more accomplishing than drowning in my dissatisfaction. I know that dissatisfaction can be used for something good, I just wish I could discover the means of accomplishing that to a completed satisfaction.
But I am torn – I do not know if this world is meant for us to find true satisfaction. Yet there is Jesus, his sacrifice and grace. How do the two balance out? Obviously the conquering of death is the most powerful thing, but we are told that we are still looking as if into a hazy mirror, unclear as to the completion of our lives until it actually happens. I am thankful for that mystery, though, as it seems to provide the fuel for the fire that burns inside me. I have decided to pursue it, otherwise I will die a sad death as so many other artists and creatives. I do not want to be Kurt Cobain (though there is a certain romanticism about that idea, as distorted as it may be). I want to be C.S. Lewis.
Of course I do not want to be him; I just want to experience life as he experienced it, questioning and prodding, pushing and pulling my way through my days rather than being drug by the undertow. Life is beautiful (Vega4) and I am eager to endure it.
HEBREWS 2
For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham’s descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers and sisters in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high prienst in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted (v. 16-18, TNIV).
OBSERVATION
Jesus’ humanity was very real. He “might become a merciful and faithful high priest” and he “might atone for the sins” prove that there was a chance he might fail. Adam’s choice to sin equated man with failure until the moment Christ died as the one perfect man. And Christ did not die imperfect; he did not fail and so he is a merciful and faithful high priest and he has atoned for the sins of mankind.
RESPONSE
Why don’t I trust Christ with my greatest (and smallest) temptations? He knows the struggles for he has been there himself.
Pride. I think I can beat it. But clearly after 26 years I can’t. But he has.
PURSUIT
Break me of my pride. Release me from my sin. Show me how to trust you with the smallest of my temptations. I don’t want to hide anymore.
Shadows glance through my office at the church, reflecting the advance of the late morning sun. It was cold last night and shivers stormed through my body as I smoked outside, silently rejoicing in the fact that I would not have to rise at four am to deliver papers in the cold. 380 days have passed since I began my excursion in learning to provide for my family. I cannot begin to describe how glorious it felt to sleep in this morning. But I will try.
My wife woke me at 6:15 from a coma. I seriously felt as if I had just arrived in my bedroom from a warm darkness that sealed my body from anything other than rest. The baby. Little Norah is sick and her nose sounded like a drill bit going to work, fighting against the toughness of concrete, both solid and wet. I had stayed up late, later than almost any other night in the last year, finishing up a final paper for my final class, Management 210. But I was able to close my eyes knowing that I had successfully attained an Associate’s degree. (You can applaud in your own silent way, if you wish).
My schedule is chaotic right now – if I am trying to plan a meeting I am just never sure when I can do it. But I should be more rested in the coming weeks. That will help the chaos relax into something like a soft-serve Huckleberry ice cream. I am looking forward to enjoying life more than I have recently. The drudgery of the paper route has deadened my sense of joy for most everything in my life. I want to quit everything, releasing myself from the grips of a monster that only scares people by never going away.
Finally, relief.
I am, by habit and nature, an early riser. I love the mornings, which was part of the reason I felt a little sorrow as I contemplated my future not being a paperboy. But I am resolving to sleep in for at least two weeks, maybe four, before rising early again to accomplish my best work. Though I am still tired, as I write today, I am eager for those mornings, the winter chill inside our ancient house fighting against the steam and strength of my fresh coffee. I am excited to discover life without distraction and life without dread.
HEBREWS 2
Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death – that is, the devil – and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death (TNIV – v. 14, 15).
OBSERVATION
Jesus became like me, like us, because only one who experienced what we experience (the fear of death) could overcome that fear and conquer that power the devil held for so long. I think this can be seen through the moments in the garden when Jesus asks God the Father to pass the cup of death from him as he sweat blood. But he faced his death and overcame that fear – and in the process he set us free.
RESPONSE
- In what ways do I fear death?
- In what form does the fear of death take effect in my life?
-Have I even come to grips with my own mortality? Or with mortality in general?
-Does that affect my understanding of what Christ has done for me?
Yes, it does.
PURSUIT
Help me, Spirit, to come to grips with this. Show me what my own mortality is and how that affects my life and my understanding. Reveal to me the ways that I fear death and how to trust the Son more and overcome those things I fear.
A crisp sheet of snow layered the grass last evening as my wife and I returned from the Brad Stine show at our church. I was disheartened by this – not disheartened, but rather impatient with the snowfall. Indeed it is November already, and justly the snow falls (some might say finally, though this fall felt brief by its deceiving nature of summer and winter mix). But I am just two short days from being finished with the paper route I have had for the last 373 days.
In all reality, the paper route has not been that bad – truly it didn’t get bad until I began to contemplate its end, which I find to be true of most things in my life. If I begin to regress in my thinking toward a particular relationship, I am stilled in my participation toward it until, eventually, it ends without much effort on my part to prolong it. This is the same scenario with the paper route; for a while I was contemplating its tenure in my life and how I could make it easier and more profitable, all the while placing an emphasis on service to others. One thing the paper route has helped me realize is people’s expectations of amenities to which they feel deserved. A customer of the Gazette pays to receive it either daily, every weekend, or just on Sundays (with an occasional exception relating to businesses receiving it only week days). These customers, for the most part, are quite particular about their papers, everything from how it is rolled or folded, to where it is placed, and by what time. And they hold these expectations rightly so – for they are paying money to receive it each and everyday. And for a short time I found a strange joy in being impeccable in my service to these customers.
My attitude toward the route gradually evolved though as I tired of hearing people comment on how tired I looked. I think parents of young children are generally tired looking anyway, but a daily commitment to rise far beyond the sun to ensure the delivery of the news before anyone else arises begins to wear on you. But I am not tired of being tired (though that is wearying), rather I am tired of hearing how tired I am. My wife, my mother, my friends.
I began the route because I thought I needed to do something more to provide for my family. The arrival of our first child brought with her a new sense of life, specifically the desire to be. While we have always existed, it seems we existed to play and have fun, to work so that we could enjoy the rest of our unscheduled lives with movie rentals and parties and drinking and smoking. But now, the responsibility to care for another presented another possibility of existence: to soak everything up and absorb the reality of our lives. My first daughter helped us understand there was more than just doing, but to stop and be. To be together, to be there for each other, to be one with another. This prompted my wife’s steady change of pace for her work life, which in turn meant an increase in mine. This is fine with me, because it is my role as husband and father to be the provider, something which I cannot forfeit to my wife, no matter how much talent, skill, and ability she has.
But the thing I have realized most recently about my route is it has been my way of providing, not God’s. I do not think I did the wrong thing – I have learned a valuable lesson, which I will never want to relinquish. Rather, I am eagerly awaiting his providence. And so, as the snow steadily drips away in the soft glow of sunlight this November morning, I stop, not to demand God’s blessing, but to experience his grace.
I’ve never been much for goal-setting, but I have found that without direction I am listless, a wanderlust with no pure desires. Dissatisfaction crowds out my joy as I pursue things that bring brief entertainment and fulfillment. The fading glories of those things have led me [once again] to this place.
But I make no excuses and no apologies; all good things in good time – so instead of looking behind or ahead, I look to today. Today I choose to pursue these things [what follows are my thoughts, which I am sharing for your carnal pleasure and spiritual uplifting]:
There are two things I want to do in my life: [1] create; [2] learn.
I want to create: [1] written word; [2] music; [3] designs; all focusing on the mystery of Christ.
I want to learn by: [1] reading; [2] sharing; [3] collaborating; all focusing on the mystery of Christ.
How?
By reading, writing, and designing every day [learning and creating].
By getting away by myself every 3 months [learning].
By setting aside focused time [1-3 days] for writing and recording music every 3 months [creating and learning].
What stands in my way? [distractions]
Games.
Internet.
Laziness.
What can I do about that? [parameters]
Choose one game; eliminate the rest.
Give up facebook? twitter? myspace?
The only problem I can see with that is they could be useful tools for collaboration. How can I effectively use them without abusing them and wasting my time? Can I effectively use them without abusing them? There may come a time when they will be viable resources, but for the moment they are not!
Be disciplined about your focuses and energy; do what you are doing right now!
So each day [5 days a week] I will read and write and design. I will set aside time once every three months to get away from it all to learn. And finally I will set aside time once every three months to collaborate with others.
As I look outside, I see the enormous tree in my backyard withered and fading. Not only have most of the leaves taken the great dive toward the frosty ground by this late October morning, but the branches are gnarly and twisted, bent and broken, overcrowding each other, like a bunch of teenagers at a Jonas Brother’s concert searching for space to breath from among the sweaty throng. Since I am untrained in examining trees and their health I would easily guess that this old tree is about to die, that perhaps even this winter, if it is nasty enough could push it over the edge. But I would more than likely be wrong.
That tree has probably stood in that yard for longer than my soon to be 93 year-old grandmother has scolded crows in her own backyard.
As I read from Hebrews today, I found that “it was fitting that God…should make the author of their (mankind) salvation perfect through suffering” [2.10].
I cannot imagine that if a tree had emotions relating to fun or not fun that it would find the winter very fun. It has been persevering for a long time through a lot of cold winters. But every spring its branches bud the new life of rejuvenation.
Out of pain comes good. So why do I fight the winter seasons of my life? What does the bear do? It accepts the fact that there is a winter season and responds rightly by hibernating. How am I supposed to respond to the winter seasons of my life? For some reason, I cannot believe that I am just supposed to lower my head and keep on trudging – though that may seem admirable, I think another word for it is stupid.
I could be wrong, but it seems to me that there is a reason we face winter seasons and seasons of spring when we are excited and rejuvenated, ready for whatever life may bring.
I could be wrong – what do you think – how should we as humans respond to the winter season?
sometimes you just need someone to tell you it’s alright.
“I’ll be your four-leaf clover,
I’ll be your pressure suit…”
sometimes someone does something or says something that I am totally not prepared for.
“…I’ll be your angel wings,
I’ll be your parachute…”
and I just want to explode.
“…I’ll be your running reason, I’ll be your only reason…”
I just exploded.
“…It’s alright, it’s alright.”
But it’s alright and it will be alright.
[great thanks to Aqualung for the kind words*]
*Aqualung’s “Pressure Suit” from the album Memory Man
